What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
