So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
