yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize