We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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