I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
