Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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