I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
