the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
