Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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