I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
