I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
