arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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