I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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