Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
