I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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