Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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