well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
