Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
