Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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