I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
