So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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