her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
