Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
