my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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