happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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