if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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