i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
