you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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