So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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