you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
