I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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