saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
