theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize