i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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