haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
