Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
