next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
