I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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