my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
