I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
