I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
