when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
