So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
