I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Someone shattered a urinal.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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