And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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