Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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