My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
