What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
