My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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