GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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