so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
