I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
