I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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