After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
