I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
