I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
