I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
