I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
