Her vagina should come with caution tape.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
